WHY CHUNKY KONG IS THE GREATEST KONG EVER

Initially, I thought Lanky Kong was kind of funny when I unlocked him, and I thought for sure he'd be my favorite of the bunch. But it was Chunky Kong who eventually stole my heart. Chunky is not only the funniest of the Kongs, but he has this personality that wobbles between being really tough and really meek. He pounds his chest and does a mean Tarzan impersonation. He can lift and carry giant boulders over his head and he growls like a son-of-a-gun when he's pissed off. But when you try to pick him out of the Kong switching barrel, he acts scared to be chosen, and he also doesn't like riding in the mine carts. In fact, it's kind of hard to tell what exactly goes through Chunky's mind at any given moment. He's big and stupid, I guess, but in a very endearing and charming way. (Nevermind that he's a really tacky dresser.) CHUNKY AND THE DK RAP Admittedly, the DK Rap is, well, pretty damn embarrassing to say the least, but Chunky is the one bright spot in it. The first few times I saw the rap (and yes, you're probably wondering why I bothered to watch it that many times...it's like a train wreck...you just can't help yourself sometimes), I didn't even really notice all the goofy things that Chunky does, but once I became more familiar with the character, I suddenly started seeing it, and couldn't help but to laugh at it. Okay...why the hell is he dressed like that??? Was it one of those things where you're the only person who shows up at the party in costume? Then he changes his clothes and proceeds to stumble around. (Notice that no one else has moved.) But that's not all... Then they all turn and start dancing, but Chunky turns the wrong way. He turns back the right way, but doesn't watch where he's flailing his arms and... Say bye-bye to Lanky! Oops. Now everyone has to spin and lean forward. Lanky and Donkey got it right. Tiny and Diddy are in position... I don't think Chunky feels too good. Chunky is "one HELL of a guy", according to the DK Rap. Amazing that Rare got away with using this line in an E-rated game, but Nintendo censored it to "one HECK of a guy" on the T-rated Super Smash Bros. Melee. DOWNLOAD THE DK RAP!! (But don't say I didn't warn you...) CHUNKY AND THE SWITCHING BARREL While all the other Kongs mug for your attention in the switching barrel, if you highlight Chunky, he'll act like he doesn't want to be chosen at all. He looks to each side, which reminds me somewhat of the Jon Lovitz character, "The Liar" from Saturday Night Live. Then he suggests you choose Tiny instead. But that doesn't stop him from waving and yelling "Yoo-HOOO!!" when you have anyone else highlighted. I have no idea why he does this if he doesn't want to be chosen. I think maybe he had one too many coconuts fall on his head in his lifetime. I think one thing that makes Chunky so adorable are his feet. Donkey Kong has these huge mammoth paws... But Chunky has these cute little feet, articulated with an opposable toe. When Chunky's in the mine cart and you lose coins (or sometimes just for no apparent reason) he turns around and waves with the most pathetic look on his face. Say goodbye to those coins, Chunky. I don't care what anyone thinks. Chunky plays one fucking mean triangle! This is exactly what it looks like: A giant Chunky fighting giant killer tomatoes. I think I can safely say that I've seen everything there is to see. If you leave Chunky sitting idle too long, eventually he'll become covered in butterflies. At first, he seems fascinated by them, but then he gets pissed and shoos them off.

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