Things We've Learned
From Playing RPGs

This is an archive of a topic that was posted on my message board. I thought it had some funny stuff in it and was worth putting up.Thanks go out to Deathspork for coming up with the topic!


  • If someone unbelievably strong starts beating you up, there's no need to worry, you won't die.
  • Treasure chests can only hold one item. People can hold a near infinite amount of items.
  • If someone in town tells you that they heard a rumor, it's true.
  • An antisocial, emotionally damaged paranoid schizophrenic will make a good hero.

    Flying Omelette:

  • People falling from the sky can lead to an emotionally-charged experience like no other.
  • A paintbrush can do as much damage as a sword, if used properly.
  • Dragoons were knights that were trained to leap 50 feet in the air.
  • If there's a problem that absolutely cannot be resolved any way possible, the solution is to go back in time and prevent it from ever happening in the first place.
  • Large animals can be kept in small balls that fit in your pocket.
  • If there's a switch or lever you're trying to activate, and it won't budge no matter what you do, the solution is to talk to someone and have them tell you about the switch or lever, first. Then, it should work.
  • You cannot climb over rocks, no matter what. You must get a hammer to destroy them, or find some other way around.
  • Trees and bushes can be chopped down with one swing of an axe or sword.
  • Have you ever heard the expression, "We all have a double"? Well, it turns out your double is someone you have to find and eventually face in battle to prove your worthiness.
  • If you need to talk to someone, it doesn't matter if they're dead. You can just talk to their ghost.
  • If you see a flying island or building, there's a good chance it signifies impending doom.
  • No matter how many people are traveling together, usually, only the person in the lead can be seen.
  • Dungeon monsters and traps will only attack or effect the hero and the people traveling with him/her. If you're just an unimportant person, you can go ahead and run through the dungeon, temple, forest, desert, cave, or other place teeming with evil unharmed.
  • When somebody dies, their body flashes for a few seconds, then disappears into thin air.
  • If you die during a battle you can be brought back to life. It's only when you die any other time that you stay permanently dead.
  • If you fall sick with a strange illness, there's always some kind of flower, herb, or stone nearby that can cure it. Of course, you'll have to kill some huge beast that guards it, first.
  • You should always walk behind waterfalls, because there's always something hidden back there.
  • Elderly men have telepathic powers.
  • If you're going to join someone's traveling group, you have to first give them the oppurtunity to change your name.
  • When you are walking around outside a town, everything is just about the same size as you are, but when you enter a town, everything is normal-sized.
  • If you pick up a pot and break it, once you leave the room and return, a new one will be there in its place.
  • Animals, in general, will attack you relentlessly as you travel from one place to another.
  • Getting shot out of a cannon never, ever results in injury.
  • Most people stay in the same exact spot all day long.
  • Everybody in every part of the world speaks the same language.
  • It's absolutely not unusual for some animals to be able to talk, particularly owls and monkeys.
  • When running from a group of monsters, it is only necessary to run out of the battlefield itself to safely escape. You'll still be at the same exact spot on the world, but there's no need to duck for cover or run any farther once you've escaped the battlefield.
  • Sleep is the only absolute necessity of life. You can travel all over the world and fight as much as you want, and there is never a need to eat, drink, or go to the bathroom.
  • Most houses in the world only have one room.
  • When observing people through a telescope, you can hear their conversations. (This actually happens in Secret of Evermore.)
  • There is a song written for every moment of your life, such as sad moments, happy moments, angry moments, etc. Also, every important person in the world has their own theme song.
  • Training, no matter what you are training to become, always takes the form of walking through a dungeon, fighting a bunch of random battles, and finding an object in that dungeon. It doesn't matter if you're training to be a knight, sorcerer, bard, healer, or ninja, it works the same for everyone.
  • When you get injured by a sword, or other weapon, blood will not pour out, only numbers.
  • Pouring liquid on a tombstone makes a ghost appear. (Chrono Trigger, Shadowgate 64)

    Magical Yard Gnome:

  • Relics from ancient civilizations tend to be very dangerous things and are usually better off if left undiscovered.
  • Projectile weapons do a lot less damage than melee weapons.
  • Blue slimy things are the weakest creatures in the world.
  • After dealing your arch enemy an apparently fatal blow, don't think you can rest easy. He'll probably transform and become stronger.

    Crawl and 1000:

  • Even if you've never sung before, being a General fully prepares you to sing the lead in an opera.
  • If you're ever in a fight, just pull out a book to read; eventually the fight'll finish on its own.
  • You can buy armor, weapons, and healing potions, but not normal clothing, televisions, books, or appliances. Every store in the world exists only to sell you things for your adventure.
  • Don't bother excercising. Killing hundreds of imps will make you stronger, permanently.
  • If you talk at all, people will say what a great story your life has. But if you do badly on a school essay, your teacher will return it with no grading notes other than, "This translation sucks!"
  • You may see beds everywhere, you may be able to get into them, but you won't be able to sleep unless you pay money.


  • If you get smacked by a sword or something sharp, you won't even bleed.
  • Magical Yard Gnome: Correction: if it's part of a dramatic death scene, you will bleed. Otherwise, you get away with barely a scratch.
  • Half of the world has a twin.
  • The prettier a man you are, the more godlike powers you can have. Examples: Sephiroth, Yggdrasill, Squall.


  • Big monsters with the name of Bahamut are always very powerful, and Cid is a common name.
  • Also, star pieces and star rods hold great powers within them.


  • I learned that most people only have one good thing to say.

    Fenrir X:

  • Regardless of the number of medicines and herbs you carry or of the cure spells you know, you can do nothing to treat or cure other people.
  • Items acquired by individuals elsewhere are instantly yours to do with as you see fit, so long as that individual joins your quest at one point in time.
  • Only characters with names have access to fine clothing retailers. All others must dress in uniform.
  • Regardless of the number of people in your party or the number of beds in an inn, you should all sleep in the same bed in order to receive the minimal rate.
  • Every article of clothing carried by a store looks identical to that which you are already wearing.
  • The Emperor is evil.
  • Those who fear the darkness can rest easy, for night does not fall.
  • Flying Omelette: Actually, night only falls when you go to sleep at an inn. And it only lasts about 5 seconds.
  • If one is rendered unconscious in battle, that person may continue to move about freely, provided that the enemy is not looking.
  • When attacked by a monster, you may escape by running in place for eight seconds then taking off, Scooby-Doo-style.
  • When you need to flee from an enemy, you may feel free to abandon your wounded, because, of course, they can catch up to you once the enemy glances away.
  • Every book ever published contains three sentences at most.
  • Monsters can be easily avoided by hopping into a town. There you will not be attacked, and it is safe to leave your doors unlocked and possessions unguarded.
  • If for some odd reason people do lock their doors, it is entirely unintentional, for they won't care if you open them again.
  • The most widely accepted form of currency in the world is coins. Use of paper money is discouraged.

    Vampyrus (aka Devlin Domaine):

  • One diving helmet can fit up to four people. (FF6 reference.)
  • If you ever need to build an object out of several different parts, all you have to do is find all of those parts and the object will automatically assemble.
  • All people in Britain walk on a 45 degree angle. (Ultima reference.)
  • Beating up people and animals earns you lots and lots of cash.


  • Enemies you killed in a previous room, area, or what ever will return when you re-enter the room.
  • Each town is usually seperated by an insane walking distance and no teleport spell to help you.
  • In actuality, Fire spells don't actually burn the suroundings. But if they did, Fire spells would have to be banned from forests.


  • Learning spells is not a matter of memorizing scrolls or accumulating its ingredients: they just come to you after a battle.
  • The entire population of the world amounts to about 30 people.
  • The world is flat.
  • You can push people out of your way and nobody will ever think you're being rude.
  • You can carry 99 tents, 99 potions, and 99 Phoenix Downs, but you cannot carry 100 potions.
  • Items in treasure chests, even in someone else's house, are yours for the taking.

    Scott Oatman:

  • Killing hundreds of imps may also make you smarter, more agile, and better able to cast magic. It is not, however, guaranteed to make you any better looking, nor any more popular with the ladies. ;)


  • People will give you things of unmeasurable sentimental value for completing trivial errands.
  • Poison only hurts you after you do something during battle. Also, all poisonous animals produce the exact same type of poison.
  • People with white hair are never truly who they appear to be.
  • If you play sports, a ball thrown at something will always bounce back to you even if it misses. (Final Fantasy X).
  • When anything performs a special attack, the attack's name will appear in a box nearby.

    Godlike93 (aka David J. Greiner):

  • If your enemy is hundreds of feet tall pay it no mind, for you can eventually kill it by striking it in the foot, leg or crotch repeatedly.
  • Occasionally the primary hero of your group will leap heroically into the air to deliver the final death blow. While most will consider this showboating, just remember that he's the one who gets to carry the money.
  • When people tell you something that sounds completely unrelated to your quest at hand, that's because it isn't related. These alleged side-quests are an attempt by these people to get you to do something for them. Bear in mind that the personal relationship between so-and-so and their father or what's-their-name's dying sister is rather trivial compared to the annihilation of the world.
  • In a similar vein, when some new insignificant looking object suddenly appears out of nowhere, resist the urge to walk up and touch it. This usually leads to long, drawn out battles, that take hundreds of tries and hours to beat. In the end you'll realize it wasn't worth the effort and had absolutely no viable bearing on your quest.
  • You are not allowed to keep any large birds you catch roaming around, (no matter how useful they are for traveling quickly) unless you own a ship or pay a stable. This is because rope has not yet been invented.
  • Sometimes it's worth the effort to stop by and visit your mother after a while. Also, always look under your bed.
  • Most caves, regardless of the size of the hill or mountain the entrance is in, are usually miles in length, have numerous dead ends and will be infested with bats, ghosts, etc., so plan accordingly. Also, you see that other cave entrance, two feet up to the left that you could probably jump up to? That's where you're going to be exiting three hours from now.
  • Remember that if your traveling companions actually follow you around they may be utterly stupid and can sometimes be trapped between rocks and walls. Which, due to some powerful unseen force will keep you from continuing forward or going back for them. (Secret of Mana)
  • If one of your fellow companions is about to die or disappear mysteriously, don't feel guilty about looting their possessions. They should've thought about that in the first place. Bear in mind, that if they do die, you're probably going to get stuck carrying them around until they can be revived anyways. Don't worry though, that 220 lb guy with the 60 lbs of plate-mail on is a lot lighter than you think and won't even hamper your fighting or rate of travel in the least bit.
  • People out in the world will usually be extremely rude to you until you do something for them.
  • When splitting your party up, the party you're not in will either always beat you to your destination or will get into serious trouble and you'll be forced to rescue them.
  • Leaping down wells and falling down holes will rarely result in serious injury. Occasionally you may be knocked unconscious, but someone will either show up or you'll wake up just in time to be saved from being eaten by giant rats or anything else malevolent. On a good day you'll just be magically transported back to where ever you were before falling down the hole in the first place.
  • Whenever a huge, unavoidable catastrophe is about to occur and you only have one chance to stop it, don't fret if you screw up. You'll most likely get to try again.
  • If you ever need to get to somewhere not accessible by foot, someone nearby will usually give you a boat or a plane or the military boarding school you attend will fly over and give you a lift.
  • People who aren't what they seem usually aren't; people who are what they seem usually aren't either.
  • No matter how goofy the people asking to join your party are, let them. Usually the goofiest of the lot is the key to your success.
  • The person with the most important information will most likely have amnesia or they received said information when they were young and have since forgotten. Worry not, for eventually (usually about 10-20 hours or so later), after you have done a bunch of seemingly unrelated errands, they will suddenly remember everything.
  • It rarely takes any longer than 30 hours to save the world, no matter how much seems to happen or how long it's suggested that it will take.
  • It is completely normal if occasionally your group attacks the spot where an enemy was _after_ it has been killed. This can be construed as a way of psyching out your opponent if that helps you any.
  • When a hot chick shows interest in you, she's either: a spoiled princess, a being from a forgotten race or something even more esoteric and inconceivable. Either way, it's going to lead to a lot of trouble that will be impossible to avoid and make you wonder what you saw in her in the first place.
  • Always wear comfortable shoes as buildings tend to collapse around you after destroying the being, entity, evil force, etc. guarding them. This will result in a lot of running.
  • Speaking of shoes and running, be mindful that sometimes you are completely unable to run until you first get special shoes that allow you to do so.
  • You can travel around the world a hundred times and never age.
  • No matter how many years it's been since you've seen someone they will never age either. They will appear almost exactly the same in your random flashbacks and dream sequences. Occasionally they may appear a little shorter with a bigger head, but basically the same.
  • No matter how bitter or evil an enemy may appear to you, if they ask nicely, feel free to allow them into your party without any forethought of possible ramifications.
  • Dragons are either very friendly or are very aggressive, they are never indifferent.
    ***Things to keep in mind if you have a plan for world domination or destruction***
  • No matter how technologically advanced your empire is, it will usually be some prick with a sword that brings it all down.
  • When building your empire never train anyone with spiky hair, an inferiority complex or any other weird psychological disorder as doing so will usually come back to bite you in the ass.
  • You are not allowed to build a castle or palace without also including an elaborate dungeon below it. Or if you prefer, you can build it in front of the only entrance into the castle or palace.
  • When building these castles and palaces, don't muck around with including furniture as people prefer to stand all the time anyways. Tables are okay and maybe fewer beds than it would seem necessary, but couches and chairs are just a waste of valuable standing space.
  • It's also good to build elaborate rooms with complicated puzzles or even rooms that lead nowhere at all. It's not like you ever walk around your own place.
  • In those rooms that don't lead anywhere, put some chests full of helpful items. Things like health potions, poison cures, strong weapons and armour. This will ensure the foe coming to thwart you is at the top of their game, leading to a false sense of security.
  • If you're amazingly strong and powerful, maybe even indestructible, stand over a trap door to a bottomless pit. Or you can put something astoundingly heavy over your head easily dropped by a simple lever. Keep a few cats around that can accidentally trip these levers. This is simply a way to heighten the challenge of the win-win situation you're so obviously already in.
  • When training your gigantic evil army of thousands of soldiers be sure to teach them to attack in squads of no less than two and never greater than six at a time. Also, explain to them the importance of taking turns when attacking. This is to give the "good guys" who never travel in parties greater than three or four a decent and fair fighting chance.
  • When evoking a giant "something-or-other" that will destroy the entire planet, be sure to tell someone quickly so that they have plenty of time to do something about it.
  • Always talk down to your would be victor, it motivates and inspires them.
  • When you need to announce your presence, either kidnap someone important, or destroy and massacre a few towns. This is the best way to gain public attention.
  • Always hire people stronger than you to stand as challenges to your foes before they reach you. This way when your foes finally do reach you, they should hopefully be tired and more easily thwarted.
  • When it looks like you're about to be beaten, don't be ashamed to fly off to the farthest possible location. At the very least this is very irritating to the people who thought their quest was "almost over." If you can slip between dimensions or travel through time, think of the amount of frustration and work you just dumped on these would be "heroes." This gives you more time to work on your maniacal laughter.


  • If the game has a good guy that looks powerful, don't keep your hopes up because he will never join you. (Astral from Shining Force 2, General Leo from FF6, Jema from Secret of Mana). Or they do join you, but they die halfway through. (Nei from Phantasy Star II, Aeris from Final Fantasy VII)
  • Your job is to defend a world that has less than 100 people and a limitless amount of monsters.
  • If a human decides to become a villian then they instantly get to have their own castle. They're granted power and the ability to control their own bundle of limitless monsters. Their domains are always like 10 times bigger than towns. Having that sure is better than walking around in circles all day saying "If you talk to me again I'll say this". They have the assurance that the only person who would ever invade their privacy is the hero who is coming to defeat them.
  • Store owners have the right to keep getting rich from the hero, even though the fate of their world rests on the hero's shoulders.

    Nick Miller:

  • Townsfolk only say something different if an event happens that is big enough for a cutscene.
  • If your party is split up, the one person most important to the group will be in a city that is about to be sacked, and you have to save them.
  • When choosing a new party, you have to use the main character, unless he/she is dead.
  • Even if your mission involves escorting a certain person, you can usually change them out of your party.


  • Whenever a character in a game has a flashback, the screen will fade to white and display a cinema of the flashback. This cinema usually contains clues.
  • If a game contains time travel, you can mess up things in the past without fear of a space-time paradox, and you will never run into your past self. (Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages)
  • Usually you'll see a locked door or something similar at the start of the game, and won't find out what it conceals until very late in the game.
  • All methods of transportation, be they subway, airplane, boat or bus, are usually free.
  • This is how RPG villains create their dungeons - an article submitted by SonicLover

    Oxnard Hamster:

  • The place where the hero starts will always be surrounded by the weakest monsters possible. That way, he can train, become stronger, and get a false sense of security.
  • You can age 10 years and still be level 1. (Breath of Fire 2)

    Brigade Delbrack:

  • The messier your hair, the more likely you are to save the world.


  • If you start playing an instrument of any kind, you'll automatically be accompanied by an invisible full backup orchestra.
    Flying Omelette adds: Not only will you be accompanied by a full back-up orchestra, but there is no guarantee that any instrument in that orchestra will sound like the one you're actually playing.

    Ultimate Chicken:

  • You can't fight Bare Handed. Only Wong Fei Fong can.
  • The only difference between a 5-star hotel and a no-frills inn is that you pay more for the same service.


  • Despite the prevalence of save points, the bad guys will never think of using them.

    Crawl's Brother:

  • Whenever there are two people standing on each side of a door, they will both say the same exact thing.


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